Here's the film that I co-wrote with the wonderful Dana Fleitman for the DC 48 Hour Film Festival (May 3-5, 2013.)

Requirements:

Genre: buddy film
Prop: drumstick
Character: Alex Berbrick, inspector
Line of dialogue: "What do you think this is?"

A Kickstarter campaign is underway to make “meet-me-wear” clothing called Gutzy that people wear to inform everyone that they are single. I thought we already had a line of clothing that informed people you were single. They’re called Tommy Bahama shirts. No one has been laid in a Tommy Bahama shirt since Tommy Bahama. While I think it would be helpful to know who in the bar is single, I think the fact that we are in a bar, on a Wednesday at 1am, implies everyone is single (at least for tonight.) How quickly do you think this will be the fashion choice for the married man looking for a one night stand with no strings or thread attached? It’s bad when your wife finds lipstick on your collar, but its worse when she finds it on the collar of a Gutzy shirt (and you thought leaving porn in the VCR was bad.)

I thought women liked a well dressed man. These don’t come in suit form, right? Not even a tie? I certainly hope the myth that women look at men’s shoes first are true. At least until they launch the Gutzy shoe line. These seem a little desperate. They say desperation is the worst cologne – now it’s also the worst clothing choice. The fact that they call it Gutzy says it all. Some people shouldn’t trust their gut - especially if it’s a beer gut, because it’s probably drunk and will make terrible decisions, like buying these.

The purchasing of these garments should be done in a basement (probably your parents since you already live there) under a veil of secrecy and fog of bourbon. Then the garment should arrive in an unmarked black package with the purchase, a subscription to cat fancy and a blank suicide letter. I am not sure what sizes these run through, but if the size begins with an “X” you’re likely to see that same tattered stained covered shirt worn 10 years in the future. Speaking of the future – what’s the return policy on these things? Do you get to return it when you meet someone? Who are we kidding? No one is going to meet someone wearing this.

Dickception as described in episode 96. Because we're not above this sort of thing.

Living Situation Episode 10 is now available on itunes or here (right click / save.)

As mentioned in episode 94 - CJ voluntarily and enjoyingly injests this fine cuisine.

After CJ and I recorded episode 95 with guest David Coulter we went over to his studio to record two of his podcasts.

You can find our episode of About Last Week here.

And you can find our episode of Hollywood Pitch Funtime here.

Thanks to David and Asif for having us on and cross promoting.

Congratulations to our buddy Martin Phillips for winning the 2013 Funniest College Student competition. Listen to our episode with him here

I learned recently you should never ask someone their greatest fear, because that will inevitably become one of your greatest fears. A fat man once said something about fear itself being the only thing we have to fear. I would quote him, but I have a fear of quoting (quotaphobia.) Most fears aren’t about the fear itself, but about the implication of the fear. Therefore, we have nothing to fear but the results of the fear we fear the fearest. Let’s look through the list of fears in order and break some of these fears down:

01. Fear of flying

This is a great example of being afraid, not of the fear, but of the result. I mean who wouldn’t want to be a bird? This one is more a fear of crashing. These people should listen to some R Kelly. Not because of, “I Believe I Can Fly”, but because it reminds them that getting peed on is a far worse outcome that crashing into a mountain.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Person who gets shot out of canon at circus

02. Fear of public speaking

This again isn’t so much about the fear itself, it’s about fear of the dying of embarrassment. To help with this one – they tell you to picture people in their underwear. This is why there are so many male comics, because they picture people in their underwear constantly. Sometimes less than underwear. I like to picture myself in underwear, because I have a recurring fear where I show up naked and at least in underwear there’s less crying.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Prophet

03. Fear of heights

According to these first three fears. Airline stewardesses are the bravest people in the world. I mean they would have to be to be cooped up with all those shoeless, snoring passengers.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: God

04. Fear of the dark

Who doesn’t still run to their bed to get under the covers after turning off the light? You don’t? Really? You know the covers keep you safe from monsters, right? I thought you were smarter than that. Now who looks foolish?

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Burglar

05. Fear of intimacy

Now we are back to the fear of dying of embarrassment (and in this scenario you are naked.) I am not sure if this is related to performance anxiety or size of the reproductive organ or possibly getting murdered in your most relaxed state, but come on, we aren’t praying mantises. They won't bite your head post-coitus. That typically happens during foreplay. Seriously people, you’re getting some. Lighten up. This is much better than the fear of never getting any again. Unless of course this person is afraid of getting raped in jail in which case - I totally get it.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Hooker

06. Fear of death, dying

Really? Fear of death comes after fear of intimacy? That means people would rather be dead than engaged in a sexual act. You know, some people like to have sex with dead things. Maybe there’s a support group where they could meet their ideal soul mate.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: A Ghost

07. Fear of failure

You miss 100% of the shots you never take. And if you’re Michael Jordan you miss more than half. BOOM SHAKA LAKA!

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Shaq

08. Fear of rejection

I don’t like the super cocky guys who are like, “I would never date a girl I met at a bar”. Well, I am sorry that I don’t have the luxury to discriminate where I get rejected from. I will get rejected anywhere.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Prisoner up for parole

09. Fear of spiders

I thought me and spiders had an agreement. I let them come in, rent-free and they could eat all the bugs they wanted because I don't want to be the person who kills a bug and ruins A Bugs Life Pt. 2. Now I’ve come to find out that over your lifetime you consume upwards of four spiders while you sleep? This is terrifying to me, because I did not know that I was a sleep eater. If I am eating 4 spiders I must have had at least 30 cupcakes. And why are these spiders walking around in my mouth when I sleep? We had an agreement!

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Me

And my favorite 17. Fear Of Dying Alone

I know a lot of people who are afraid to die alone. Not me. I am afraid to die in a murder/suicide. That’s sounds like a far more frightening scenario. Give me a deathbed any day. My greatest deathbed fear is that I will be going towards the light, about to breathe my last breath and then a hot doctor comes in and takes my breath away…because that’s medical malpractice. And a shitload of paperwork.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Mass Murderers

Living Situation Episode 9 is now available on itunes or here (right click / save.)

Living Situation Episode 8 is now available on itunes or here (right click / save.)

Fan Art by Tice Rust as described in Comedic Intent episode 87. If the camera adds 10 pounds the pencil adds 40.

I don’t normally review modern movies, but this one is special. Special in the way that autistic children are special. There is a 7-11 next to one of the mics I go to each week that sells these Nigerian produced movies which are basically 21^st century blacksplotation movies. No one is asking them to do this - they are doing it of their own free will to eliminate yours. The collection is offensive and inappropriate and I wanted nothing to do with it until I saw this shining beacon wrestle its way through the mound of rubbish. It’s called Lady Gaga. Looking at the cover you would assume this has nothing to do with the pop signer Lady Gaga and you’d be right. But reading the back description it’s totally about Lady Gaga or rather someone that wants to be Lady Gaga. The description is copied and pasted from Lady Gaga’s Wikipedia article, but told in the first person. In the same way a Lady Gaga song is unavoidable, I had to purchase this – you know – for comedic intent.

When I popped this in my DVD player, even though it’s not connected to the internet, I had this sinking suspicion that I was going to get a virus. If defies logic, but so does Lady Gaga. The DVD opens with previews for the Nigerian production company’s other movies, but the thing is - - you can’t fast forward through them. You have to sit through all of them. This Nigerian production company holds you hostage in your own apartment. And each preview is like 10 minutes long and is riddled with spoilers. It’s basically the whole movie (including the end) chopped down to 10 mind warping minutes.

After an hour of previews torture the movie finally started. The movie is sort of like someone who had never seen a movie before was explained what a movie was and this was their attempt to make a movie. There are giant leaps in logic and plot holes (almost more than the previews if that’s possible) and the dialogue is like a half-completed Mad Lib. I could only make it through 15 minutes, before I gnawed through the ropes and freed myself of the obligation to watch this for the review. This is the visual equivalent of water boarding. Sadly, I can’t tell you what happens, since I didn’t finish it, but the cover alone is worth another review.

If you notice this is parts 1 & 2. In the 7-11 there was another copy with parts 3 & 4. This means, there could be even more, like Lady Gagas who were fed after midnight or introduced to water. The tagline is “Her Swagger Is Very Powerful”. I didn’t know swagger was a measurement of force. What is the weight to swagger ratio? And how does one yield their swagger for evil rather than good? This is also rated PG (Parental Guidance) which means children can watch this. I don’t know that children should optionally watch this. I think it should be a form of punishment. The last observation, and I’m a stickler for copy, is that someone accidentally sized the font in the second half of the title “Screen Play” with the writers name. This implies no one proofed the copy. Nor did anyone proof the movie. This women is Lady Gaga to the same degree this movie is a movie.

Happy Valentine's Day. this is the balloon Chris Barylick got you as mentioned in episode 86. Also I made this for you.

Chris Barylick being attacked by a faux-George Lucas. As described in episode 86.

Living Situation Episode 7 is now available on itunes or here (right click / save.)

Rich Bennett from episode 77 runs a DC area Comedy site called LYGO (Laughs Your Grits Off) and he interviewed CJ and I. You can find it here. 

As mentioned in episode 84 – Blechman has revolutionized the ebay game by selling used socks. Here are some choice pictures.

Facebook recently introduced a new refined search feature that lets you filter deeper by cascading variables. It’s Stalking 2.0.

To me: this just allows the user to get Catfished easier.  Just look at the default picture. The kid is probably a pro Catfish lure.

Speaking of the default image – isn’t it weird to anyone that the default search result is a young boy? Seems like “To Catch A Predator” just found a new way to find stock imagery.

Not only is he a young boy – he is a young, white, blonde, fisher boy who looks just like I did when I was younger. Does no one else find it concerning that I am the default search terms? Please don’t stalk me.

Here are the eyelash jewelry options I discussed in episode 83. If you haven’t heard the episode, here is my argument: Back in the late 90s / early 00s there were a lot of girls getting their tongue pierced. The origin of the tongue piercing is older than the rave scene and it’s associated more with sexual technique than annoying people with your clicking noises during class and having it stuck out in every photo. The tongue is a muscle that like any other muscle can be strengthen by lifting weights (ever wonder what the tongue piercing are shaped like barbells?) Once strengthened the tongue was able to pummel meat like Rocky in the meat freezer.

My concern here is that these girls are going to over strengthen their eyelids. They’re going to be flapping at you like butterfly wings, throwing off tons of mixed signals. You will think they’re batting their eyes at your, but they are really bruising their brow and whipping their cheeks like an unbroken steed (also a reference from the episode.) You know when you work out and get muscles? (I am asking you since I don’t know.) Then you stop and the muscle turns to fat? Picture Arnold Schwarzenegger’s loose skin draped over someone’s eyes. Not a pleasant thought. And Maria Shriver lived it for years. And if years of saggy lids don’t sway you – let me remind you of this – we don’t care. You are beautiful without the accessories. I have never met a women and thought, “I would hook up with her, but those short eyelashes are too unappealing. Now what will I blow when I need to make a wish? Probably a genie.”

Here's a thing I was in.

I spend as little time as possible in the bathroom. It’s strictly utilitarian for me. I don’t know why people insist that its a little vacation. I see people; lingering, lounging, conversing, eating…that’s right…I have been in the same bathroom as someone eating chips on the toilet (thus creating a visual representation of the process of digestion.) Then someone walked in a started brushing their teeth prompting me to vocally respond, “please don’t brush your teeth in here, people are trying to eat.”

The other day I saw a short hair on the toilet seat at work. This means one of two things occurred; someone decided to get a closer look at their deposit and an eye lash fell daintily onto the seat or someone shaves their pubes, but has gotten very lazy. Neither option is preferable, it’s just an example that people are gross. I understand it’s a rest room, but there’s no need to live out your most disgusting personal fantasy in the confines of their stall. Like peeing on the goddamn seat instead of lifting the seat or using one of the widely available urinals. No one wants to sit in your pee, you weirdo. So we have to either clean up after you, like an infant or hover like a woman. I clean, because I am too uncoordinated and off balance to navigate a successful on target deposit.

As much as you don’t want to believe it, women are just as foul as men. I have lived with them, thus shattering any preconceived belief in their ability to retain all nutrients and vitamins from food with no refuse. According to a study¹, upwards of 98% of women hover over the seat as opposed to sitting directly (and comfortably.) I understand if you live with a guy and don’t want to sit in pee, but isn’t this creating a vicious cycle whereby they can’t accurately hit target and the next women into the stall has to hover to avoid any direct flash to pee contact? I think we as a society have proved we aren’t responsible enough to have modern sewage systems. Back to holes in the ground we go.

¹ “Crouching Over the Toilet Seat; Prevalence Among British Gynaecological Outpatients and its Effect Upon Micturition” by K.H. Moore et al, published in the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology in 1991

Compiling 50 episodes and 40+ guests here is the best of the Comedic Intent Podcast 2012!

Living Situation Episode 6 is now available on itunes or here (right click / save.) The cast really crushes it on this one. Thanks to Alexis Turrentine, Jennifer Crawford and David Blechman.

I am away on vacation for a while. There will be a new episode this Sunday the 23rd and then the best of 2012 on the 30th. See you in 2013.

Just like last year, I am posting my year-end music mix. Feel free to print it out, buy all the mp3s and make your own.