Brandon Fisher, CJ Kirkwood & Faizan

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CJ Roasts the Hosts

As mentioned on the Podcast at the last Epicure Open Mic we held a roast for the hosts; Adam Belcher, Brandon Fisher & Tim Trueheart. Here is the link to CJ's hosting and roasting. This file is unlisted, so people don't search for CJ & assume this is his set. The roasting begins after CJ hosts starting around 2 1/4 minutes in.

EpicureRoast

Comedic Intent Best Of 2013

bestof2013

 

The Comedic Intent Best of 2013 Episode is now available on itunes or here (right click / save.)

 

Technical Difficulties

WereBack

The site was down for a while, but we've got everything fixed up now. Please stand by for future posting.

Warning: Candy

Victory

If cigarettes are required to warn about cancer shouldn’t candy cigarettes be forced to warn about obesity? I think they should have a similar surgeon general’s warning. Some countries put photos of blackened lungs or fetus’ on the packages, so candy cigarettes should just have a photo of a fat kid getting beamed with a dodge ball. That should be warning enough not to pick up this nasty habit. It also avoids second hand candy cigarette smoking, which I assume is when someone actually takes candy from a baby.

Friend Of The Shop

Check out a short clip of our buddy Reggie Melbrough talking about Stand-up/Biking/Teaching. There's even a cameo by me, Brandon. You can also hear Reggie's return episode of The Comedic Intent Podcast here.

Vomic

vomic

Here are the images CJ mentioned in Comedic Intent episode 101 of the first time open mic comic who vomitted on herself. And here is the subsequent news article on the matter. Must have been a slow news day in Baltimore.

Good Times

GoodTime

I found this in the men’s restroom at one of the open mics in DC (the phone number is partially blurred for comedic seasickness effect).

There are a number of explanations:

  1. Father’s Day is approaching and this person is son to the “Dad who has everything” and is struggling to find the perfect gift, which may or may not be random calls from people, mid-pee.
  2. This person works for a greeting card company and is under pressure to come up with a catchy new Father’s Day card.
  3. This person works for a waterpark and thinks it would be the perfect gift for Father’s Day.
  4. This person is a Father who wants to reward themselves on Father’s Day with a random hook-up.
  5. This is the phone number for the correct local date & time.

Living Situation Episode 12

LS12

 

A year ago I decided to try and write a half hour sitcom once a month for 12 months. One year and 6 hours of original content later I present the final episode of Living Situation now available on itunes or here (right click / save.) Enormous thanks to everyone who lended their time and voice throughout the run - especially my Co-Star Alexis Turrentine without whom this probably couldn't have happened.

 

CIP 2 Year

CIP2YEAR

This week was our 2 year anniversary AND our 100th episode. You can hear it here.

Thanks to everyone who listens each week to all the comedians who have stopped by and to CJ and I for our tireless work without which none of this could be made possible.

Living Situation Episode 11

LS11

 

Living Situation Episode 11 is now available on itunes or here (right click / save.)

 

Buddy Royale

Here's the film that I co-wrote with the wonderful Dana Fleitman for the DC 48 Hour Film Festival (May 3-5, 2013.)

Requirements:

Genre: buddy film
Prop: drumstick
Character: Alex Berbrick, inspector
Line of dialogue: "What do you think this is?"

Gutzy

gutzy

A Kickstarter campaign is underway to make “meet-me-wear” clothing called Gutzy that people wear to inform everyone that they are single. I thought we already had a line of clothing that informed people you were single. They’re called Tommy Bahama shirts. No one has been laid in a Tommy Bahama shirt since Tommy Bahama. While I think it would be helpful to know who in the bar is single, I think the fact that we are in a bar, on a Wednesday at 1am, implies everyone is single (at least for tonight.) How quickly do you think this will be the fashion choice for the married man looking for a one night stand with no strings or thread attached? It’s bad when your wife finds lipstick on your collar, but its worse when she finds it on the collar of a Gutzy shirt (and you thought leaving porn in the VCR was bad.)

I thought women liked a well dressed man. These don’t come in suit form, right? Not even a tie? I certainly hope the myth that women look at men’s shoes first are true. At least until they launch the Gutzy shoe line. These seem a little desperate. They say desperation is the worst cologne – now it’s also the worst clothing choice. The fact that they call it Gutzy says it all. Some people shouldn’t trust their gut - especially if it’s a beer gut, because it’s probably drunk and will make terrible decisions, like buying these.

The purchasing of these garments should be done in a basement (probably your parents since you already live there) under a veil of secrecy and fog of bourbon. Then the garment should arrive in an unmarked black package with the purchase, a subscription to cat fancy and a blank suicide letter. I am not sure what sizes these run through, but if the size begins with an “X” you’re likely to see that same tattered stained covered shirt worn 10 years in the future. Speaking of the future – what’s the return policy on these things? Do you get to return it when you meet someone? Who are we kidding? No one is going to meet someone wearing this.

Dickception

dickception

 

Dickception as described in episode 96. Because we're not above this sort of thing.

Living Situation Episode 10

LS10

 

Living Situation Episode 10 is now available on itunes or here (right click / save.)

 

Chow Mein in a can

lachoy

As mentioned in episode 94 - CJ voluntarily and enjoyingly injests this fine cuisine.

About Last Week / Hollywood Pitch Funtime

After CJ and I recorded episode 95 with guest David Coulter we went over to his studio to record two of his podcasts.

 

ALW

 

You can find our episode of About Last Week here.

 

hpft

 

And you can find our episode of Hollywood Pitch Funtime here.

 

Thanks to David and Asif for having us on and cross promoting.

Funniest College Student 2013

martin

Congratulations to our buddy Martin Phillips for winning the 2013 Funniest College Student competition. Listen to our episode with him here

Fear

nailbite

I learned recently you should never ask someone their greatest fear, because that will inevitably become one of your greatest fears. A fat man once said something about fear itself being the only thing we have to fear. I would quote him, but I have a fear of quoting (quotaphobia.) Most fears aren’t about the fear itself, but about the implication of the fear. Therefore, we have nothing to fear but the results of the fear we fear the fearest. Let’s look through the list of fears in order and break some of these fears down:

01. Fear of flying

This is a great example of being afraid, not of the fear, but of the result. I mean who wouldn’t want to be a bird? This one is more a fear of crashing. These people should listen to some R Kelly. Not because of, “I Believe I Can Fly”, but because it reminds them that getting peed on is a far worse outcome that crashing into a mountain.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Person who gets shot out of canon at circus

02. Fear of public speaking

This again isn’t so much about the fear itself, it’s about fear of the dying of embarrassment. To help with this one – they tell you to picture people in their underwear. This is why there are so many male comics, because they picture people in their underwear constantly. Sometimes less than underwear. I like to picture myself in underwear, because I have a recurring fear where I show up naked and at least in underwear there’s less crying.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Prophet

03. Fear of heights

According to these first three fears. Airline stewardesses are the bravest people in the world. I mean they would have to be to be cooped up with all those shoeless, snoring passengers.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: God

04. Fear of the dark

Who doesn’t still run to their bed to get under the covers after turning off the light? You don’t? Really? You know the covers keep you safe from monsters, right? I thought you were smarter than that. Now who looks foolish?

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Burglar

05. Fear of intimacy

Now we are back to the fear of dying of embarrassment (and in this scenario you are naked.) I am not sure if this is related to performance anxiety or size of the reproductive organ or possibly getting murdered in your most relaxed state, but come on, we aren’t praying mantises. They won't bite your head post-coitus. That typically happens during foreplay. Seriously people, you’re getting some. Lighten up. This is much better than the fear of never getting any again. Unless of course this person is afraid of getting raped in jail in which case - I totally get it.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Hooker

06. Fear of death, dying

Really? Fear of death comes after fear of intimacy? That means people would rather be dead than engaged in a sexual act. You know, some people like to have sex with dead things. Maybe there’s a support group where they could meet their ideal soul mate.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: A Ghost

07. Fear of failure

You miss 100% of the shots you never take. And if you’re Michael Jordan you miss more than half. BOOM SHAKA LAKA!

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Shaq

08. Fear of rejection

I don’t like the super cocky guys who are like, “I would never date a girl I met at a bar”. Well, I am sorry that I don’t have the luxury to discriminate where I get rejected from. I will get rejected anywhere.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Prisoner up for parole

09. Fear of spiders

I thought me and spiders had an agreement. I let them come in, rent-free and they could eat all the bugs they wanted because I don't want to be the person who kills a bug and ruins A Bugs Life Pt. 2. Now I’ve come to find out that over your lifetime you consume upwards of four spiders while you sleep? This is terrifying to me, because I did not know that I was a sleep eater. If I am eating 4 spiders I must have had at least 30 cupcakes. And why are these spiders walking around in my mouth when I sleep? We had an agreement!

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Me

And my favorite 17. Fear Of Dying Alone

I know a lot of people who are afraid to die alone. Not me. I am afraid to die in a murder/suicide. That’s sounds like a far more frightening scenario. Give me a deathbed any day. My greatest deathbed fear is that I will be going towards the light, about to breathe my last breath and then a hot doctor comes in and takes my breath away…because that’s medical malpractice. And a shitload of paperwork.

Worst Person To Have This Fear: Mass Murderers

Living Situation Episode 9

LS9

 

Living Situation Episode 9 is now available on itunes or here (right click / save.)

 

Living Situation Episode 8

LS8

 

Living Situation Episode 8 is now available on itunes or here (right click / save.)

 

Fan Art

fanart

Fan Art by Tice Rust as described in Comedic Intent episode 87. If the camera adds 10 pounds the pencil adds 40.

Lady Gaga

 

LadyGaga.jpg

I don’t normally review modern movies, but this one is special. Special in the way that autistic children are special. There is a 7-11 next to one of the mics I go to each week that sells these Nigerian produced movies which are basically 21st century blacksplotation movies. No one is asking them to do this - they are doing it of their own free will to eliminate yours. The collection is offensive and inappropriate and I wanted nothing to do with it until I saw this shining beacon wrestle its way through the mound of rubbish. It’s called Lady Gaga. Looking at the cover you would assume this has nothing to do with the pop signer Lady Gaga and you’d be right. But reading the back description it’s totally about Lady Gaga or rather someone that wants to be Lady Gaga. The description is copied and pasted from Lady Gaga’s Wikipedia article, but told in the first person. In the same way a Lady Gaga song is unavoidable, I had to purchase this – you know – for comedic intent.

When I popped this in my DVD player, even though it’s not connected to the internet, I had this sinking suspicion that I was going to get a virus. If defies logic, but so does Lady Gaga. The DVD opens with previews for the Nigerian production company’s other movies, but the thing is - - you can’t fast forward through them. You have to sit through all of them. This Nigerian production company holds you hostage in your own apartment. And each preview is like 10 minutes long and is riddled with spoilers. It’s basically the whole movie (including the end) chopped down to 10 mind warping minutes.

After an hour of previews torture the movie finally started. The movie is sort of like someone who had never seen a movie before was explained what a movie was and this was their attempt to make a movie. There are giant leaps in logic and plot holes (almost more than the previews if that’s possible) and the dialogue is like a half-completed Mad Lib. I could only make it through 15 minutes, before I gnawed through the ropes and freed myself of the obligation to watch this for the review. This is the visual equivalent of water boarding. Sadly, I can’t tell you what happens, since I didn’t finish it, but the cover alone is worth another review.

If you notice this is parts 1 & 2. In the 7-11 there was another copy with parts 3 & 4. This means, there could be even more, like Lady Gagas who were fed after midnight or introduced to water. The tagline is “Her Swagger Is Very Powerful”. I didn’t know swagger was a measurement of force. What is the weight to swagger ratio? And how does one yield their swagger for evil rather than good? This is also rated PG (Parental Guidance) which means children can watch this. I don’t know that children should optionally watch this. I think it should be a form of punishment. The last observation, and I’m a stickler for copy, is that someone accidentally sized the font in the second half of the title “Screen Play” with the writers name. This implies no one proofed the copy. Nor did anyone proof the movie. This women is Lady Gaga to the same degree this movie is a movie.

Valentine

Smitten

Happy Valentine's Day. this is the balloon Chris Barylick got you as mentioned in episode 86. Also I made this for you.

ralph

I, George Lucas: Nerd Pummeller

Barylick

Chris Barylick being attacked by a faux-George Lucas. As described in episode 86.

Living Situation Episode 7

LS7

Living Situation Episode 7 is now available on itunes or here (right click / save.)

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